Why don't you seem very excited?

Last Sunday morning I got a message saying that my cousin's 8 week old baby girl had passed away.  Samantha Marie Nielson passed away in her sleep sometime during the night, March 13th.  My heart instantly felt sad and broken when I heard the news, and I feel so much hurt for my cousin's family.  Death is such a hard thing.  Even when we know of the Lord's plan, the atonement, the sealing power of the Lord, and of eternal families.

Shortly after hearing this sad news, I was asked by someone what we're having.  I told them we were having a boy, and was immediately met with, "but why don't you seem very excited?"

I never thought that motherhood would teach me so much about humility, sacrifice, love, etc.  Here I am, 20 weeks pregnant with my third child.  With my other two pregnancies, I was full of excitement, joy, and happiness.  But - with this pregnancy has come the constant reminder that motherhood should never be taken for granted.  That motherhood is a gift from God, and that motherhood is not always easy.  I am constantly being humbled when it comes to my role as a mother.  I have spent many hours, days, and nights pondering the Lord's purpose in so many things only to be reminded that it is not for me to know,  but for me to have faith in.  

I had always heard of infertility, infants dying, children being taken away from this life before they reached adulthood, etc.  But I never fully understood it.   I still don't as I have not experienced it.  But, as I continue to grow with child, I can't seem to escape this reality that motherhood is precious.  My sister-in-law has had her trials with infertility, my other sister-in-law and my own sister suffered miscarriages.  My best friends here in Arizona have suffered from both infertility, and miscarriages.  A young woman who I was blessed to visit teach lost her 2 year old child due to heat exhaustion.  And now, my cousin has lost his sweet baby girl.  Yet, here I am - pregnant with my third.

And so - it is not that I'm not excited for this baby.  I really am excited - and I am really anxious to see what it will be like to have a little baby boy.  But, for some reason my thoughts and heart keep turning to those losing their babies, to those who can't have the babies they so desire, and to those parents and babies who suffer tremendously.  I have always known that children bring the most heartaches, sadnesses, trials, etc to a mother.  I know that from what my mother has been through.  But, I also know that children bring the most joy, love, happiness, and never-ending devotion.  My mom is a testament to me that unconditional love does exist.  The Lord is a testament to me that the atonement is real.

But, my heart still breaks.  I am humbled once again.  I hurt once again - for those that suffer.  For those who experience trials.  I wish I could take all their trials from them, and go through their trials for them.  I wish I could hold those that hurt, those that cry, and those that need comfort.  I want to let them know they are not alone, as the Lord is always with them.  I know this is impossible because there are too many trials for me to take on.  But for all it's worth, I am grateful for others that have experienced these trials.  I am grateful for their sacrifices to teach others, such as myself, what a precious blessing it is to be a mother and to embrace motherhood.  It is a special gift.  And one I feel very honored to have.

So yes - We are having a BOY!  He is quite an easy little thing so far.  I have not had the morning sickness I had with my girls.  I still have a lot of energy, and I have been incredibly healthy thus far.  This little boy was quite fun to watch on the ultrasound.  He kept touching his toes, and kept putting his toes up to his face.  He is probably going to be flexible like Maejae.  I am excited to have a baby boy.  The girls are super excited - especially Natalie, who reminds me that I have a baby in my belly every day!  She apparently has 5 babies in her belly - all named Jasmine and Cinderella.  It's been so fun to see her get excited over baby things.

But, I am humbled.  I am grateful.  I am honored.  Motherhood is a gift - and one that I am so glad to be reminded of each day throughout this pregnancy.  So even if I don't seem excited, I am.  I just feel more gratitude and peace with this baby.  

For those that suffer:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high."